Day Dreamin'

On the ride home from K's house today, when I wasn't staring at people's feet and listening to some BU girls ridiculous conversation, I started to daydream about what it would be like to leave class or work and just have to go home and have myself as my responsibility. Forget worrying about programs, the guilt of not being around for my residents all the time, having to be back most nights in my room just to be a presence. Not eating dinner in a cafeteria, but rather making my own food, with ingredients I like, according to my dietary needs. Visiting with people when I choose to visit. Maybe going out and getting drunk every once in a while without worrying that my building is going to burst into flames and I'll have to be a point person.

Maybe when I sauntered in from my responsibilities, as late as 7pm (to be charitable), I could take off my shoes, close my door, and breathe. Be as selfish as I want. Perhaps I'd be coming home to a pet, or sharing my home with a significant other. I could turn on the TV and have some time to unwind. Maybe if I were taking classes, I could sit down and do some reading and let myself get absorbed in it. Or just not have to talk to anyone for a while.

I don't think this is selfish-- but I also don't think this is going to be a realistic experience until May... and perhaps later.

I have to reiterate that I love my job-- my girls are incredible, I'm learning lots of things, and I kind of like the thrill of the unknown that comes each time I'm on duty. In fact, I even like our 3 weekly staff meetings, because my supervisors/peers are amazing and brighten my day. As much as I might complain about 3am lock outs, there is part of me that knows how grateful that person is that I woke up and am helping them out. Maybe I need to be needed? I prefer to think that I'm responding to doing something worthwhile.

That being said-- the way I live is not normal for someone going on 23. I would also be lying if I said that I didn't look for other live in jobs in Boston from time to time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ready for more of a challenge. I'd be lying if I said that sometimes, I just want to be an adult again. But I'd be lying if I thought I'd act on a job offer or trade what I'm doing now.